The Great Egyptian Smokeout

For most folks, it’s just plain common sense that you don’t go to a hookah bar for the food. But then, I’m all about bringing danger back to food writing. Cairo Cafe, a divey hookah bar near Landmark, is one of the few Egyptian places in the area. The only other one that I happen to know about, situated over near Bailey’s Crossroads, also happens to be a hookah bar. We never got over the demise of Arlington’s Pasha, which was not only a fantastic Egyptian restaurant, but easily one of our favorite restaurants in the area. So we were hoping, albeit in vain, that Cairo Cafe might be a stealth culinary treasure.

As we approached Cairo Cafe from the parking lot, the hazey image of two mustachioed men of North African origin sitting near the window became more apparent, as a massive cumulus cloud of hookah smoke parted. They surveyed us impassively, as their industrious smokey output danced along the plate glass windows before recoiling inward toward the restaurant.

My father actually thought that there might be a no smoking section, and curiously enough, the young hostess/waitress did direct us to a designated non-smoking section, a concept that grew ever more ludicrous as the restaurant soon filled with the sickly sweet emanations of the nearby party of hookah enthusiasts.

Against our better instincts, we remained. The back of the menu touts their access to “Arabic Dish Network Programs” and their “Famous Middle East Table Games.” But we were focused on simply making it through our meal.

The baba ghanouj was heavy on the oil and the garlic, and lacked any of the smokiness of our favorite renditions of this Middle Eastern standard.

The bazinjan mekhalil turned out be baby eggplants that clearly had been festering in some sort of otherworldly brine. They arrived resting in a pool of oil, and when pulled apart revealed a sprinkling of chili flakes. Thoughts of this dish tortured me when I awoke in the middle of the night. Perhaps these baby eggplants had been hanging out in the fridge a bit past their expiration.

The assorted pickles had the sort of deep pickling that I usually take as an indicator of homemade origin. After the baby eggplants, however, my sour quotient had been reached.

I had never heard of Koshari before, a dish that sounded like it combined moujadarah, a traditional Middle Eastern rice and lentil dish, with spaghetti and tomato sauce. This starchy bonanza of rice, pasta, and lentils, featured an underwhelming tomato sauce and mushy noodles. The caramelized onions rescued it somewhat from blandness.

The falafel were among the worst we’ve ever had. The feeble exterior hardly had any crunch, and the interior was an unwelcoming mass of green. I’m not opposed to falafel with a green interior, but this was the bright green hue of astroturf.

The “bechamel” is their version of pastitsio, and was serviceable in an institutional sort of way, though it still featured the same toothless tomato sauce.


And the foul (pronounced “fool”) mudames was not unsavory, as it’s difficult to ruin fava beans. But it had none of the rich garlic, lemon, and oil flavor that this dish is known for.

While the food was absolutely dreadful, committed Chowhounds might nevertheless be interested to know that exotic beveraging opportunities abound. We tried their cold Karkadi, which was a somewhat sweet and rather tart hibiscus tea that had been initially brewed hot and then subsequently cooled by the addition of ice cubes. Orchid, listed under “Special Hot Drinks”, was hardly floral. According to the hostess, the actual orchid comes in the form of a powder that is then added to hot sweetened milk, resulting in a sweet but gloppy beverage of indeterminate taste. Similarly, the Fenugreek drink combined hot milk and a sprinkling of the herb fenugreek that could almost pass for Doogh’s ugly step-cousin. In short, it was very herbal, very milky, and very awful- sort of like if you dropped a bunch of Italian seasoning into warm dishwater.

So, yeah, it's a week later, and the notebook that I tote along on these little adventures still reeks of tobacco. Nice.

If you’re still curious, Cairo Cafe is located at:

6244 Little River Turnpike
Alexandria, VA
(703) 750-3551

—AC